


Welcome To The Life of Electra Heart

by illonimo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Based on Electra Heart Album, F/M, Lots of Angst, M/M, Most NSFW is Brief, Overall heartbreak, Strong language at times, mentions of cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:41:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illonimo/pseuds/illonimo
Summary: A collection events from Y/N's life including the good, the bad and the soul shattering.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Reader, EXO Ensemble/Reader, Kim Jongdae | Chen/Reader, Kim Jongin | Kai/Reader, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Reader, Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Reader, Lu Han/Reader, Oh Sehun/Reader, Park Chanyeol/Reader, Zhang Yi Xing | Lay/Reader
Kudos: 5





	1. Prologue : Dear Diary

* * *

_**Oh dear diary I met a boy.** _

* * *

You had met him at a pep rally of all places. Your friends were celebrating the win of your home team when he caught you eye. He lounged against his car with a few of his friends next to him. It didn’t seem like his crowd but who were you to judge; it wasn’t yours either.

He wore a black turtle neck that barely covered his tattooed neck, his body further protected from the weather with the leather jacket he wore. His hair was slicked back which when paired with the outfit gave him a very chic look. You wouldn’t lie, you were a bit starstruck. Maybe it was the aspect of a new town and a fresh start that had you so flustered at the sight of the beautiful stranger or maybe it was the fact that his warm eyes found you, a playful smirk stretching onto his face. He even threw a wink your way which was your pushing point to look away, flustered and red in the face.

* * *

_**He made my doll heart light up with joy.** _

* * *

“Come on baby, it’s time to get up.” You heard a familiar voice chuckle in your ear causing you to roll over, trying to escape having to get up. “I need to drive you home before the guys get up,” The voice urged again causing you to force your eyes open. You were met with a dark room, the only light seemingly stray rays of light that peaked behind a dark curtain. Your eyes traced over the room walls, nothing but bands and artists you’d never even heard of, most of them underground or foreign. Finally your eyes made it over to him. God even half asleep he looked gorgeous.

He stared down at you, a corner of his mouth quirked up into a smile. You reached up, brushing his messy hair out of his face, threading your fingers through the locks. Your hand released the strands before moving down to cup his cheek. You managed to lean up on your other elbow, giving him an innocent kiss or at least what was supposed to be an innocent kiss. He didn’t seem to find it very innocent.

“Baby girl it’s not nice to start something you can’t finish.” He mumbled, looking at you through his eyelashes.

“Who said I couldn’t finish it?” You retorted, cocking an eyebrow up at him.

“Oh I know you could, but I also know that Yixing would have my head if he knew you were here.”

“I wouldn’t tell.” You murmured into his skin, pressing a chaste kiss to his jawline. Your words were the truth, you wouldn’t dare tell your best friend you were sleeping with the school’s bad boy, not after the amount of times he had warned you to steer clear of him.

“No but if we finished what you are starting, he’d be sure to hear you.” His words caused a blush to spread across your face and you fought the urge to cover you face. You were working on being more open with him. You had to be open with the ones you loved.

* * *

_**Oh dear diary, we fell apart.** _

* * *

Hearing rumors that he cheated hurt. But catching him in the act was an all new kind of pain you had experienced. It had felt like you’d been run over by a stampede of elephants, each one sure to stomp down into your chest. There were tears but you forced the sobs to lump together in your throat so he wouldn’t notice you retreating away from him and one of the other girls in your year.

You were graduating today, you were taking he next step of your life with him and he had his tongue shoved down another girl’s throat. If it was so easy for him to cheat with her, how many times had he cheated? How many late night with the guys had he actually been in another girl’s bed.

Your feet shuffled down the quiet hallways, the tears running down you cheeks in droves. How could you have been so stupid?

Footsteps made you still where you were and you begged that it wasn’t him, that it wasn’t her. You couldn’t face anyone right now, least of all them.

“Y/N? I’ve been looking all over for you.” It was Yixing. How did you explain this? You knew it would surely get an _‘I told you so’_. Swallowing your ego you turned to catch Yixing’s worried gaze. He stood there almost dumbfound at your emotional state, he didn’t fuss over you state like you thought he would have. “You found out about them didn’t you?” His words felt like they knocked the wind out of you.

“ _You_ , **you knew**?” Your voice cracked, your distress clear. You had to have heard him wrong, he wouldn’t have done that; let you fall in love just for your heart to be broken.

“All the guys did,” His voice was quiet and even though you could feel his shame radiate off of him you felt like you had encountered a second stampede.

“And you didn’t tell me?” A small whimper of a sob exited your lips and you covered your mouth with the back of your hand in order to hide them.

“I warned you Y/N, you were playing with fire. You wouldn’t listen so you had to find out the hard way.” He forced the words out and you stared at the ground, not wanting to accept that he hadn’t told you because you were blinded by love. Love. “I’m sorry Y/N.” You could hear his footsteps fade and you swallowed back anymore of your sobs that tried to peek out, your eyes searching for the nearest bathroom to fix your makeup.

* * *

**_Welcome to the life of Electra Heart._ **

* * *


	2. Chapter One : How To Be A Heartbreaker

The week after you graduated, you left. You couldn’t face anyone of your supposed friends, the thought they might have known what had been happening and they had never told you. So you packed up your car and left home. You weren’t sure where you were going but you just knew it was anywhere but here. And ‘anywhere but here’ turned into a small motel a couple cities down, standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a bottle of hair dye and a pair of scissors on the counter in front of you.

Had you ever cut hair before? _**No.**_

Had you ever dyed hair before? _**No.**_

Did you care? _**Hell no.**_

This hadn’t been your first thought when moving to a new town, changing your look. It had been a bit of a spur of the moment type of situation. You didn’t want to be the same person you were when you left home, you wanted to be better, unbreakable. This was your starting point but also the end of who you used to be.

The duel heartbreak you had experienced at home was not one you would ever put yourself in jeopardy of being in. Never again would you shed tears over men that didn’t love you, that played with your heart. You weren’t going to let anyone hurt you so much that your insides burned with hurt and hate.

Raising the scissors to the lock of hair in between your fingers you took a deep breath, the scissors siding away the hair under your fingers. It was time to emerge from the ashes of your pain.

* * *

**_Rule number one is that you’ve gotta have fun but baby when you’re done, ya gotta be the first to run_ **

* * *

You finished reapplying your lipstick in the mirror that hung on the wall of one of the many fraternities on your university’s campus. Normally you wouldn’t be caught dead in a place with so much testosterone that you could taste it if you were there for too long but you weren’t too worried because you’d be leaving in just a few short moments.

“You leaving already babe?” The voice of your lover from the previous few nights rang through the lobby of the large house. In the few days you had stayed with him you could feel his attachment growing. It was a good time to cut it off.

“I’m a busy person.” You shrugged nonchalantly and put the cap of your lipstick back on, shoving it into your bag before turning to face him. You could see the defeat in his eyes and felt a slice of pride go through you. “This was nice, thanks for a good time.” And with that you could see the ego deflate in him, his body physically hunching slightly. Offering him a small wave and the swing of your hips you made your way out of the door, slamming it tightly shut behind you.

The campus air was fresh with the early morning breeze and you stopped just for a moment to enjoy the cool air, inhaling the fresh smell of cut grass and coffee that roamed over the grounds. Making your way towards the on-campus, student-run coffee shop you were met with a few lingering stares of the others that were emerging from their dorms.

As you walked into the small shop you met the smile of one of your close friends, Hina, watching you with amusement.

“Back from heartbreak alley?” She asked and you shrugged. “The normal?”

“No hard feelings on this end.” With a knowing glance, she chuckled and you nodded to her latter question. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Ooh, I like it when you call me ma’am.” She joked, wiggling her brows at you causing you to snicker as she went behind the counter to make your drink. As you looked around the shop you noticed it was unnaturally empty.

“Why’s it so empty in here?” You asked as she reappeared, drink in hand and she gestured to a near table and the two of you took a seat.

“I guess there is a new guy on the football team, some sort of prodigy. A bunch of people were flocking to watch the morning practice.” You shot her a knowing glance.

“By a ‘bunch of people’, you mean every girl on campus who doesn’t have a boyfriend?” She shrugged.

“I mean we are here aren’t we?” She asked and you nodded. Sipping on your coffee you heard the bell above the door let out a ding causing Hina to jump up and run over to the counter. Taking this time to pull out your phone you checked a few notifications before shoving it back into your bag. You weren’t in a big rush since today was one of your days with no classes so you sat back in your chair, glancing towards whoever came in the door.

Starring back was familiar dark eyes that once starred at you unapologetically while you broke down. A face you had come to despise and hate in the two years following your high school graduation. Zhang Yixing.

“Y/N?” He asked, causing Hina to look up from the register, glancing between the two. “Y/N, is that you?” You wanted to snap like a string that was pulled too tight when you heard him say your name like that. Like you were still friends.

Standing from your seat you plastered one of the best smiles you could muster, walking over to him, feigning excitement.

“Yixing?” You raised the pitch of your voice, your feigned excitement seemingly believable as Hina’s brows shot up in surprise.

“I barely recognized you, when did you get so grown up?” You could feel your facade flatter for just a moment, so quick that he couldn’t have caught it. You wanted to respond with sarcasm, you wanted to tell him you grew up the minute he revealed his hand in your heartbreak.

“It’s been two years,” You bubbled laugh, feigning a shyness that you no longer had.

“Do you maybe wanna catch up with me after the game tonight? We can hang out during the pep rally.” He asked as Hina slid his coffee to him, still trying to comprehend the exchange. A pep rally? Ironic.

“I’d love to!” You shot him your heart-winning smile and you could see his cheeks tint a shade of pink.

“I’ll meet you by the center fountain, 6 pm?” He asked to which you just nodded. The short-lived silence was interrupted by a ringing noise and Yixing looked down at his phone, a mumbled curse leaving his lips. “I hate to cut it short but they need me back on the field. I’ll see you tonight?” You nodded again giving him a sound of affirmation.

“See you later.” Waving him off as he exited, you felt his lingering stare on you as he glanced over his shoulder.

* * *

_**Rule number two, just don’t get attached to somebody you could lose.** _

* * *

As the crowd erupted with screams and yells as Yixing made the winning pass you felt a small swell of guilt. You hated Yixing those two years, you despised him. You had wanted nothing more than to get an opportunity to break his heart just as bad as he had broken yours.

But being back with him was almost like nothing had happened. He felt like your best friend, things hadn’t felt like this– no you hadn’t felt like this in a long, long time. You didn’t feel weighed down and you were sure if you willed yourself you’d find yourself forgiving him and getting out your current plight instead of letting it continue with destruction in your wake.

You pulled your focus back to the celebrating people around you and caught Yixing’s gaze across the field, his body now coming towards you. You weren’t gonna lie, he had grown up fairly attractively, and he had a certain charm about him that was undeniable. You were just hoping that it didn’t get in the way.

* * *

**_Rule number three, wear your heart on your cheek, but never on your sleeve, unless you wanna taste defeat._ **

* * *

You sat across the table from Yixing, the low lighting of the restaurant he took you to, setting a romantic mood. You weren’t sure how much he had paid to have you to seated in the private room for this date. It was your fourth or fifth date and so far he was treating you like nothing but royalty, but that didn’t mean a thing. In the end, you knew who he was, what he was capable of.

“So I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me.” He spoke up after taking a sip of his wine and you offered him an inquisitive glance.

“Shoot.” You prompted him and he cleared his throat, his eyes trailing to the table. He was nervous.

“I wanted to talk about what happened that day.” He didn’t have to clarify which day and just the mention of it nearly made you snap. You never wanted to think about that day, let alone hear an explanation for it. There was not one worth your time. Nothing would heal that wound.

“It’s fine Xing,” Your voice didn’t betray your facade and you were thankful.

“But it’s not. I knew and I never told you what he was doing. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know I never should have sat back. I should have told you, I should have been there for you. I was just so angry at you for choosing him, choosing him and ignoring everybody’s warnings.” He rambled on and you fought the urge to roll your eyes.

“Xing, I forgave you a long time ago.” The lie slipped from your lips as you took a small sip from your glass of wine before setting it down. “I was foolish and I thought I could change him. Love makes people blind.” And that’s why I’ll never love anybody else again. You left the last part out, reaching over to grab his hand.

As you interlocked your fingers with him you offered him a smile that made your insides turn.

“You forgive me?” He asked surprised. Laughing lightly you nodded.

“Of course.”

* * *

**_Rule number four gotta be looking pure, kiss him goodbye at the door, and leave him wanting more._ **

* * *

You stopped in front of the entrance to your dorm building, glancing at Yixing.

“This is me.” You announced and he smiled, glancing down at your intertwined hands. He had barely let it go since you’d left the restaurant. “I had a lot of fun tonight Yixing, thank you.” You shared his smile and he swung your conjoined hands a little.

“I’m glad we got to talk about things. I wanted to get it out of the way before we moved any further.” Nodding to his words you glanced at your conjoined hands.

“I am too, I want us to start from scratch, no past affecting us.” Looking back up at him you noticed his change in demeanor.

“Us?” He asked and you nodded, smiling. Standing on your toes you pressed a kiss to his lips, unlatching your hand from his and caressing his face lightly. It wasn’t passionate or romantic, but it was enough for him to try and catch another one as you pulled away, biting your lip, your lips quirking into a smile.

“Us.”

“You sure you can’t stay a little longer?” He asked causing a giggle to escape your lips.

“Goodnight Yixing.” Slipping into your building you caught him touching his lips briefly before smiling, walking towards his own dorm building.

* * *

**_We’ll get him falling for a stranger, a player_ **   
**_Singin’ I lo-lo-lo-love you_ **

* * *

Your eyes fluttered open and you felt feather-like kisses on your shoulder.

“Good morning,” Yixing muttered against your skin and you smiled, turning to face him.

“Morning.” Reaching up you gave what was supposed to be a chaste kiss but soon devolved into a passionate one with you straddling his hips, your forearms placed on his chest to support you.

“Now it’s a very good morning.” He hummed, his hands placed on your hips as your forehead pressed into his. Fresh marks litter both your and his skin and there was an undeniable desire in the air.

“I’d say. Was last night not enough for you?” You teased and he bit his lip lightly, chuckling.

“I’ll never get enough of you.” His voice was husky and you felt yourself grin.

“You’re playing with fire.” The words were familiar, not that he remembered. And now he had his official warning. “And you’ll have to, I have exams today.” You protested and you heard him sigh. He nuzzled your neck and you could feel his lips grazing over the sensitive skin.”Yixing,” you tried to protest but his lips moved to capture yours, not pulling back until you were breathless.

“I love you.” His words sent a bit of a shock through you and you looked down at him. You could see the regret in his eyes as you were silent and you quickly gave him a quick kiss.

“I love you too Yixing.” And with the simple lie from your lips, the regret went, now replaced by joy. Now you were going to countdown the days until graduation.

* * *

**_It’s better to be fake, can’t risk losing in love again._ **

* * *

The day had come: graduation. The day or your reckoning. During the graduation ceremony, you thought of different ways to end it. You could hit up one of the numerous other boys on campus who had been adamant on getting your affection the years you’d been there. Several different ideas rolled around in your mind. And you still hadn’t totally decided even when you were straddling Yixing’s waist, his tongue exploring your mouth. But when he pulled from the kiss and fished in his pocket, revealing a velvet box, your decision was made.

“Y/N,” Yixing started but you cut him off before he could utter another word.

“No, Yixing.” It was all you said and you could see the hope in his eyes dissipate. Pulling yourself from his lap you could feel his hands trying to grab you.

“If you don’t want that’s fine, we can wait.” He explained, rushed and you shook your head, not looking at him.

“There is no us Yixing. You’ve been too infatuated to notice it seems.” Shaking your head you smoothed down your hair. You couldn’t have his last memory of you be you looking like a mess.

“Why?” The crack in his voice made you turn to him. There were stray tears flicking down his cheeks as he stood, face you. Raising your hand, you carefully wiped them away with a soft smile on your smile. “Please Y/N.” He leaned into your hand and you felt your face go cold, for once giving him the actual you.

“I _warned_ you, Yixing.” Tutting softly you pulled your hand back, your hip cocked to the side. “I warned you that you were playing with fire, you didn’t listen. Guess you had to find out the hard way.” His eyes lit up with knowing. He knew those words, though changed around, they were his. “I’m sorry Yixing.” Turning you made your way away from him, the sound of a choked sob reaching you before the door shut behind you.

* * *

**_ This Is How To Be A heartbreaker. _ **

* * *


	3. Chapter Two : Primadonna

* * *

_**Got you wrapped around my finger, babe** _   
_**You can count on me to misbehave’** _

* * *

Kim Junmyeon, a man all too good for his own good. Or at least too generous, though nowadays you were wondering if he just liked to spoil you. Either way, you weren’t going to complain. But everybody has flaws and Kim Junmyeon was not immune to that.

You stood in the red dress he bought you, the fabric hugging your skin tightly, the color matching the red of the lipstick on your lips. You had a champagne glass sitting loosely in your grip, close enough for an emergency drink but not so close you looked like you were dependent on it. Leaning against the wall of the apartment you were in you watched as he greeted various guest before his eyes caught yours across the room, a small smile quirking up on his lips. His feet carried him closer but he kept a comfortable distance.

“That dress certainly looks better on you than I thought it would.” You could feel his eyes traveling your body and you simply took a sip of your drink.

“Is that supposed to flatter me?” Amusement flickered in his gaze and you sent him a playful smile as he leaned in closer. His fingers took the champagne glass, from you lazily grasping fingers. “First a backhanded compliment and now you take my drink, I thought you were supposed to spoil me.” You chuckled and he finished off the drink before leaning past you to set it on the counter behind you, glancing around for prying eyes as he did so. As he pulled back you felt his lips lightly graze the shell of your ear.

“Girls who play with other men don’t get spoiled.” He whispered and you raised a brow at his words. Junmyeon knew your past, he had been painfully aware of it, especially after the night you’d run into Yixing while on a date with Junmyeon.

“Men who cheat on their fiancées don’t get to judge.” With a slight hum in your voice, you pulled away from him.

“You know the situation is more complicated than that.” His voice was a tone lower, it could have been threatening if you hadn’t known better. Junmyeon’s job was to intimidate, which while he was very good at, so good that very few knew there was anything else to his character. But you had stripped away just a few layers and seen underneath all the brooding and intense glares, you had seen him vulnerable.

“Just because you don’t love her back doesn’t mean it’s not cheating.” You reminded him in a huffy tone.

You loathed Junmyeon, he was a man who was handed everything and a man who wasted everything. He was given someone who loved him willingly, no manipulating, no lying, nothing but pure, unadulterated love and he threw it away for someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t ever return the feelings he felt for them.

_He threw it away for you and you **hated** him for it._

By no means did you think he loved you, oh god no. You knew he cared, more than he should’ve and knew that found security in your embrace at the end of the night. Your cold exterior attracted him because he wanted something he could never endanger, something that would always be his. Perhaps he did love you then, or perhaps he just wanted something he could do in his free time, a challenge of sorts.

A part of you rejoiced that eventually, he would find that you were impossible to crack, the day he realized he wasted his time and money on someone incapable of loving another.

And the other part, well, that part of you didn’t matter.

* * *

**_‘I know I’ve got a big ego_ **   
**_I really don’t know why it’s such a big deal, though’_ **

* * *

Hot kisses pressed to your shoulder as your labored breathing started to find a regular pace, along with your heartbeat. There was a sticky feel to the kisses on your shoulder, or maybe it was the air in the room, thick and humid – suffocating.

You hadn’t expected Junmyeon to show up to your place at 3 am, and you really hadn’t expected him to nearly throw himself in your arms, silent and needy. He had let you lead things, he hadn’t been the one in control. Things between you two were normally rough, quick and to the point but when tonight it had been slow and passionate.

“Junmyeon.” Your voice broke the silence and you could feel him sigh against your skin. “I wasn’t supposed to see you until the wedding.” You hadn’t been expecting him even then, he had barely agreed to be your date for Hina’s wedding.

Hina had met herself a nice boy and still maintaining your friendship throughout the years, you agreed to be her maid of honor. And of course, the maid of honor couldn’t be dateless. You had just gotten home from meeting Hina and the rest of the wedding party for drinks when Junmyeon had shown up.

“I know, I’m supposed to call before I come,” You hummed in response and his fingers traced an array of patterns on your abdomen. “I just wanted to see you.” Chuckling, you grabbed his hand before turned to face him, pushing him to his back. You sat up enough to straddle his waist and smirked down at him.

“Wanted to see me or needed to see me?” You teased, resting your chin on your hand that was propped on his chest, you other hand intertwined with his. His hair was in a disarray but you weren’t going to lie, he was just as handsome as ever.

“Hmm, both.” He used your conjoined hands to pull you forward, dismounting your chin from your hand just to grasp it into his own to pull your lips into his. He smirked against your lips, angling his head to deepen the kiss. Pulling back once you two were breathless he bumped his forehead into your own. “You know if you lived with me I wouldn’t need a reason to call.” Chuckling you rested your head on his chest. “I’m being serious, I have plenty of room for you.”

* * *

_**‘The primadonna life, the rise and fall.’** _

* * *

“I don’t think your fiancee would like another woman moving into the house.” Looking up at him you noticed the small smile on his face. “Myeon you didn’t,” trailing off you grabbed his left hand.

**No ring.**

“I didn’t love her, she knew I didn’t. She knew my heart was somewhere else,” Sitting up from your position you eyed him. He didn’t mean you did he? He wasn’t stupid enough to fall in love you with, was he? You watched as he grabbed your hand, pressing it against his bare chest, his own hand over yours. “It’s yours now.”

**He had.**

Staring down at him you felt your stomach twist. You had actually come to kind of like Junmyeon, not romantically of course. You two’s banter was always entertaining and he had become someone who you enjoyed spending time with. And now it had to end.

Pulling your hand away you removed yourself from his lap, sitting on the edge of opposite side of the bed.

“Y/N,” His voice trailed off and you could hear the strain in it.

“You shouldn’t have fallen in love with someone who can’t love.” Making sure to stay facing away from him you stood. “You should leave Junmyeon, go get your girl back.” Moving to the undergarments drawer in your dresser you picked out and pulled on a fresh pair before moving to sit at your vanity.

“I don’t believe you can’t love.” You heard the rustle of clothes and saw him approach you from behind as you fixed your hair in the vanity mirror. His hand sat on your shoulder you felt yourself lean into it.

“I have five years of time to rule otherwise.” Standing you faced him. Your hands came to fix his tie and you placed your hands on his chest. You weren’t going to lie, you were going to miss him. Maybe it was adoration on his eyes that you’d miss, maybe it was his personality. “But I won’t like, I will miss you.” The admission made his eyes crinkle as he offered a bittersweet smile, one that was surely forced.

“Call me if you ever need anything.” He leaned down, pulling you into a tight embrace. “I’ll be there.” You could feel his reluctance to let go so you let him hold you.

“Thank you, Junmyeon.” As he pulled away you pressed a kiss you his cheek. As he walked from the room, you felt part of you want to go after him.

You didn’t love Junmyeon, not how he wanted you to. But you felt that if you had let yourself, you could have. You could have been on his arm and been the one he prided himself on loving. You could have been his everything and he could have been your everything. But you knew that the hurt went too deep in your heart. You knew you would never be able to return those feelings.

_You’d just hurt him in the end too._

A knock on your door made you jump and you grabbed a robe from your door, pulling it around you. The frantic knocking made your stomach do flips. What if it was Junmyeon? What if he had decided he didn’t want to give up?

Opening the door you weren’t met with Junmyeon, instead it was someone who you had never expected to see at your door.

“ ** _Luhan_**?”


	4. Chapter Three : Lies

* * *

**_You’re never gonna love me, so what’s the use?_ **   
**_What’s the point in playing a game you’re gonna lose?_ **

* * *

You could see it in his eyes as he stared you down from across the table. He didn’t want this to end; he was weak– but then again who were you to judge, you were too. You knew this man in front of you didn’t love you, that you were just a warm body that he enjoyed after a few too many drinks with his friends and his girl turned him away because of his whiskey kissed breath. You knew that he only came to you when he had the taste of alcohol on his lips, never when he was sober. But that didn’t stop you from going beyond that, and that admittedly that was your fault.

You and Luhan never had a chance from the beginning, you two didn’t fit into any category together. Hell, you hadn’t even intended him to be the next your list of ex-lovers when you met him. He was your only friend’s fiancé, he was Hina’s and she was his. He wasn’t yours. He would never be yours.

_Who knew one drunken ordeal would lead to this?_

This was new to you, to feel guilty for your actions. To feel guilty for hurting those around you. You always thought that being heartless would only hurt the men who tried to play with your heart, you wanted to be the one who destroyed them, made them question everything they ever knew. That was the fate you had resigned yourself to after your first heartbreak and you had surely signed any other fate off the night you broke Yixing’s heart and the night you stepped away from Junmyeon’s offer. Why should you let them hold your heart if they’d just break it? Why couldn’t you be the one to break theirs instead?

You knew that wasn’t fair to Junmyeon though, or Yixing. Yixing had apologized, in the moment you might not have noticed it but when you looked back on it now you saw it. You saw his regret, how he tried to repent for his actions and how you had thrown it all back in his face. And Junmyeon, he had been the one who almost made you rethink everything you knew. The one who almost made you give up your revenge plan. The one who would have saved you from this hell you had found yourself in. But you hurt them, both of them; knowingly.

_You just didn’t want to get put in a place to be hurt again._

But that’s what you had done, wasn’t it? You had given someone your heart and you couldn’t steal it back if you tried. It was just a matter of time until it was broken and you had to pick up the pieces and move on. You didn’t know when it was happening but you were waiting for it. You were willing to let him be the second person ever to break your heart so you didn’t hurt Hina.

* * *

**_‘You’re too proud to say that you made a mistake_ **   
**_You’re a coward to the end’_ **

* * *

“You know why I called you, right?” His voice was filled with self-doubt and you almost found yourself pitying him. Pitying that he got caught up with someone like you. That he had met you, you pitied anybody who found themselves caught up with you. You had destroyed Yixing, you had broken Junmyeon and now you were doing the same to his and if it came out about you two, Hina’s would be next in line.

But there was a small piece of you that resented Luhan, just like all the others, but for other reasons. Unlike the others who you resented for their past actions, you resented that he had made you fall in love. You resented that he had some seemingly invisible power of your emotions that you had worked hard on concealing. Who was he to do this to you? But if there  
was one thing you resented more than him, it was yourself.

“I already told you Lu, I’m gone as soon as you say the word. The ball is in your corner.” Your voice was hard and as emotionless as you could get it. You didn’t intend on letting Luhan know about your feelings, that would complicate things even more.

“What if I don’t want you gone?” His voice was thick in your ears and you almost let the facade drop, almost.

“I will not do that to Hina.” A small hindrance in your voice gave away your surprise. He wanted to continue cheating on her? With you, the person she considered a sibling?

“But you already are, aren’t you? You’ve been doing this since that night I showed up to your door after Hina and I had that fight. You’ve been doing this for weeks.” His words were harsh but what stung was the truth. You were already hurting her, she just didn’t know it yet.

“Why won’t you just let me go?” You demanded. “I am nothing to you and you are nothing to me. I will not do this to Hina, I will not let you do this to her.” Your voice broke and you glared at him. You wanted him to break your heart, you wanted him to make you hate him. You wanted to be able to look at your best friend and not hate yourself for what you had done.

“I’m a selfish man.” He muttered, his eyes downcast. You wanted to slap him, go across the table and make him see that this was wrong.

“I’m not doing this. We are going to go back to how it was, before that night– before all of the nights. We aren’t going to tell Hina and you two are going to live happily.” You stood, your voice breaking as you spoke. “I will see you at the rehearsal.”

* * *

_**Lies** _   
_**Don’t wanna know, don’t wanna know** _

* * *

Your phone blared from your nightstand and you sighed. It was Luhan’s ringtone. You didn’t want to even glance towards your phone but when it rang for the fourth time you sighed in defeat. Sitting up, you turned on the bedside lamp and waited with your phone in hand for another call to come through. It had been a month since the last time you had seen him at the cafe and with each day your feelings dissipated, but not enough that it didn’t hurt.

That night had been the rehearsal dinner and it couldn’t have gone smoother. So many people showed up and shared laughs and cries. You had even shed a few tears during your own toast. Just as you could feel yourself starting to slip back to sleep your phone blared again.

“Luhan, what do you want, it’s late?” You answered, clearing your sleep filled voice. You could hear a fair amount of shuffling and some sniffling. “Luhan?” You asked, your brow furrowed.

“The wedding is off, Hina called it off.” You could hear the alcohol in his voice and you felt your chest tighten. What did he do?

“What do you mean she called off the wedding?” You demanded, getting up from the bed to change into clothes.

“I told her everything.” At his words, you stopped. He told her everything? “I told her about me showing up to your place, about us and how you ended it. She told me the wedding was off and she left. I don’t know where she went.”

“I can’t believe you’ve done this.” You could feel your heart drop into your stomach and you pulled on a pair of pants and a jacket. “I’m going to find her and I’m going to fix this.” Hitting the hang up button you rushed towards the door, grabbing your keys.

As you threw open the door you jumped back as Hina stood on the other side. She had clearly been crying, her eyes puffy and swollen.

“Hina,” You spoke softly, not wanting to set her off. You hadn’t expected her to be here, to come here.

“Did it mean anything?” She cut you off before you could say anything else, pushing past you to come inside your apartment. Closing the door you sighed.

“At first no. He showed up right after I ended it with Junmyeon, he was drunk and I was spiraling into self-doubt. I’m not going to put it all on him, it was a mutual thing. But on my end at least it turned into something more. I fell in love with him, maybe because I was starting to doubt what I was doing with my life, maybe because I like to fall in love with the wrong people.” Taking a deep breath you sat next to her on the couch, far enough that it wasn’t overbearing. “Every time you two fought he would come over. It wasn’t always about sex, sometimes we just drank together and talked. He called me to talk and he wanted to keep doing it but I didn’t. I would do anything to not hurt you, so I ended it and told him to forget it.”

“You were the one who ended it?” She asked, sniffling.

“Yes, I didn’t want to hurt the one person who had never hurt me.” You could feel tears well up in your eyes. “But I did, I hurt you. Even when you didn’t know, every time I looked at you I knew what I had done and I hated myself for it.” The tears trickled down your cheeks. “And I know that this is unforgivable but he, he loves you.”

“Even after all of this, you would defend him?” Hina laughed lightly through her tears and you joined her.

“I know how happy he makes you.” You wiped your tears with the back of your hand. “And I know how happy you make him.”

You had never imagined Hina finding out, you swore that she never would. You would have rather of gone through your first heartbreak again than have her hurt. But here you were and here she was.

“I’m angry and I’m upset and I’m devastated but I don’t want to lose my best friend.” She spoke slowly and it caught you off guard. “I don’t forgive you, I don’t know if I ever will. But I’m not losing my best friend.” She took a deep breath, looking over at you. “Besides, no other maid of honor could put up with me.” That caused a burst of laughter from both of you and she brought herself closer, wrapping her arms around you.

And like that, you felt any heartbreak left in you be washed away.

* * *

**_To believe it’s all been worth the fight_ **

* * *


End file.
